Narrated Version:
"If you like this universe, it means you are lucky."
What Does Scoliosis Mean to Me?
Scoliosis is a curse.
It's evil.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Scoliosis is a disease.
It's sad.
I wouldn't want my child to suffer it.
Scoliosis is cruel and unusual punishment.
It's torture.
Human moral intuitions are against it, even for the worst of criminals.
Nature is full of curses.
Nature is evil.
I wouldn't wish nature on my worst enemy.
Nature is thermodynamics.
Nature is sad.
Nature turns everything into ashes in the worst way possible.
Nature is cruel and unusual punishment.
Nature is torture.
No human deserves to suffer by the hand of nature.
Merely a Test
Some say, "This life is a test".
I say, "Which person among you would place your child in a fire as a test?
Some say, "Each trial is there to teach us?"
I say, "Which person among you would take a sledge hammer to your child's back as a way to teach them?"
Some say, "You deserve this for your sins."
I say, "Not even our most vile criminals deserve cruel and unusual punishment."
Some people say, "Endure it well and all will be better."
I say, "Who has the audacity to tell others to endure that which ought not be endured by anyone?"
Some people say, "Keep trying, have hope, things will get better."
I say, "Under a system of entropy, in the long run, nothing ever gets better."
Some say, "Nature is not evil, it is just bad luck."
I say, "Nature may not have evil intent, but its design is evil."
For what manner of construction worker would create a home for someone full of deadly traps? And what manner of engineer would design a product that harms the user? For if a person falls out of a window and becomes paralyzed, the subcontractor may be sued. And if a person falls down the stairs and becomes a cripple, the architect may be sued. And if a roof collapses on a person causing them to suffer brain injury, the engineer may be sued.
But when nature harms you, who can be sued? Where can justice be found? Who is responsible for the pitfalls of nature, if not the designer himself? Is God a designer of chaos? Is his plan a plan of infinite suffering? Can God be a good God and also an indiscriminate distributor of cruel and unusual punishment? Perhaps God imagines himself as a good father, intent on rewarding his followers for their trial of fire.
I say, "You do not have the right to call yourself a father if you ignore your children in their time of need."
Some say, life is a test.
I say, I quit.
What does turning 30 years old mean to me?
Scoliosis at 15 means that I don't know how to walk in a cool fashion in front of the girl I like.
Scoliosis at 17 means I walk different from others.
Scoliosis at 19 means that my hips feel weird when riding a bike.
Scoliosis at 21 means occasional fatigue in my spine.
Scoliosis at 23 means occasional pain in my spine.
Scoliosis at 25 means I need a special chair.
Scoliosis at 26 means I need to rest at home more often.
Scoliosis at 27 means that I must exercise frequently to strengthen my back.
Scoliosis at 28 means that I can only go on vacations if my back allows it.
Scoliosis at 28 means that I must minimize usage of public transportation because of excessive standing.
Scoliosis at 28 means that my girlfriend breaks up with me because of my health issues.
Scoliosis at 28 means I can't be in foreign countries because I need family assistance.
Scoliosis at 28 means that my only solution to the pain and fatigue is laying down for hours at a time to recover.
Scoliosis at 29 means I walk like a hunchback.
Scoliosis at 29 means that exercise no longer helps my condition.
Scoliosis at 29 means I can't survive in my chair at work and will collapse onto the floor.
Scoliosis at 29 means I can't sit in a chair for 2 hours without needing to find a place to lay down.
Scoliosis at 29 means I need to buy special chairs for home and work.
Scoliosis at 29 means developing a phobia towards chairs.
Scoliosis at 29 means buying all sorts of pillows to support me at different times.
Scoliosis at 29 means bringing a lumbar pillow with me to visit a relative that doesn't have the right chair for me.
Scoliosis at 29 means that when I go on a date for longer than two hours, I will have to embarrass myself by finding a place in public to lay down.
Scoliosis at 29 means frequently rejecting the chance to hang out with friends because the pain isn't worth it.
Scoliosis at 29 means not having the energy to leave my couch all weekend.
Scoliosis at 29 means not being able to assemble a chair without extreme pain.
Scoliosis at 29 means being tempted by the idea of crutches or wheelchairs.
Scoliosis at 29 means returning home from work with zero energy and being forced to lay down for 3 hours to recover before you can eat dinner.
Scoliosis at 29 means assisting your 94 year old grandpa at some chores and finding that I seem to be more frail than him.
Scoliosis at 29 means telling your family that I am not healthy enough to join them on a family walk.
Scoliosis at 29 means laying down on a couch as others do activities together.
Scoliosis at 29 means telling my relatives that I can't assist them with manual labor and watching them struggle with double the burden all because of me.
Scoliosis at 29 means getting rejected by doctors and feeling helpless as things get worse and worse every month or every week.
Scoliosis at 29 means realizing that I will never have the energy to date, marry, and raise a family.
Scoliosis at 29 means realizing that I can never go on vacations and travel.
Scoliosis at 29 means realizing that the I cannot guarantee that my health will be able to sustain my career.
Scoliosis at 29 means realizing that the only thing I have to look forward to is slowly being tortured until I die.
Scoliosis at 29 means laying down is no longer reliable because it now causes pain as well.
Scoliosis at 29 means feeling like shit everyday because I struggle to get quality sleep now that even resting in my bed is painful.
Scoliosis at 29 means feeling like I am using 100% of my energy to maintain the status quo while people keep telling me, try this, try that, but I have no energy nor motivation to try anything and would rather just not exist.
I can't wait to see what 30 brings.
What does turning 31 years old mean to me?
Scoliosis at 30 means that my left rib cage has started to act up and rotate out of place, forming a new source of pain and discomfort.
Scoliosis at 30 means having to awkwardly push my special chair around the office so that I can attend all informal meetings without increasing my pain levels as rapidly.
Scoliosis at 30 means I have to lean back so far in my chair at work that my arm position is no longer ergonomical.
Scoliosis at 30 means my arms starts to experience extreme fatigue and become completely limp and useless for an hour per day, impacting my work.
Scoliosis at 30 means I have to buy a special table with wheels to support my arms at a more ergonomical height than afforded by my armrests and awkwardly use it at the office despite being ridiculed by a coworker for such an unattractive setup.
Scoliosis at 30 means I have to take frequent breaks to lay down in the back of my car to recharge myself for more stress on my back at work.
Scoliosis at 30 means my back pain is increasing the intensity of my insomnia, causing me to be unable to fall asleep for four hours, and additionally causing me to wake up every one or two hours because every position is uncomfortable, leaving me with very low-quality sleep.
Scoliosis at 30 means often sleeping on my face because it is the least painful position, but incurring the unfortunate side effect of accidentally chewing holes into my cheek at night.
Scoliosis at 30 means waking up for work with zero mental energy and zero physical energy and feeling completely useless.
Scoliosis at 30 means that I am naturally self-quarantined all year in an effort to reduce the stress on my system and manage pain.
Scoliosis at 30 means that when I complain to my boss about the ergonomics of my chair situation, they ban my personal chair.
Scoliosis at 30 means that I have to create a PowerPoint slide to teach my company what my ergonomic needs are.
Scoliosis at 30 means my company allows me to work from home before the coronavirus quarantine even started, yet working from home only increases my ergonomic issues.
Scoliosis at 30 means that my ability to walk starts to disappear as twice a week the nerves connecting to my left leg get pinched every three steps and my leg begins to give out. I begin to fall, yet just before I collapse on the ground, my nerves reconnect allowing me to reactivate my leg muscles and catch myself.
Scoliosis at 30 means that my doctor, family, and friends encourage me to try a whole host of ideas, none of which bear any fruit.
Scoliosis at 30 means that I am able to devote time to daily physical therapy as my company has decided to furlough me along with 15% of the company.
Scoliosis at 30 means that after 2 months of rigorous physical therapy, pain and fatigue are still able to dominate 80% of my week causing me to lay down 80% of my waking hours and I conclude that it was not helpful.
Scoliosis at 30 means that after I am fired by my company, I realize that my bachelors in accounting and masters in software engineering are now useless as I fear I can never perform a job that requires sitting or standing ever again.
Scoliosis at 30 means that I have resigned myself to signing up for disability, yet my doctor doesn't even believe that I'm disabled and will not support me in an effort to pursue classification as disabled.
Scoliosis at 30 means that I don't even qualify for short term disability at work.
Scoliosis at 30 means that DES refuses to pay me unemployment pay and I don't have enough energy or willpower to resolve such a bureaucratic mess.
Scoliosis at 30 means that I have completely given up on my future and will be moving in with my parents to live on a farm in September.
Scoliosis at 30 means that every so often I am filled with hatred for the structure of the universe, its design and how it was created; hatred for the laws of physics - most specifically the laws of thermodynamics, or entropy. It means I philosophically conclude that entropy is the cause for every evil and all of humanity's efforts are pitifully useless attempts to resolve a permanent problem - a design problem.
Scoliosis at 30 means that I philosophically conclude that God is evil because He based the entirety of creation on the most evil of all principles, for what can be a more evil principle than that of "everything that exists will, despite all efforts to the contrary, inexorably get worse and worse until it is as worse as it can possibly get".
I can't wait to see what 31 will bring.
A Voice for Those with Scoliosis
A Facebook Poll on the question - "What's one thing you wish others understood about living with scoliosis?
Why I'm moody and miserable at times?
That even though I'm up and walking around, I still have back pain. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!
How self-conscious we are about our curve(s), hump and posture.
That you are in constant pain and you may look ok but you're not!!!
It doesn't "get better" like their back pain did.
How I hurt at least 17 hours out of a 24-hour day. The other 7 I'm asleep.
What real back pain is.
That it hurts all the time, but at times I can just handle it better.
How chronic pain is literally infinitely worse than temporary pain.
That my whole body hurts, not just my back.
I am not faking the pain.
There is always pain. I'm just good at hiding it. Until it gets super bad. But I always try to keep on keeping on.
How exhausted the pain can make you feel.
That my one shoulder is always slouched lower because of the curve and it's not my fault.
That it's not an easy fix.
That the pain isn’t just in our heads.
That it makes living every day a huge challenge!!
All of the above...pain, pain and how it affects every aspect of my life...every thought, almost every day..
I’m not trying to stick my chest out or my butt as I walk.
Just because I had surgery doesn’t mean it fixed everything. And doesn’t mean I’m pain free.
Just because I've had several surgeries don't mean "I'm better".
I'm not just doing nothing to be lazy.
Just because I'm young doesn't mean that I don't have back pain daily.
Just because you can perform an activity or chore one day, doesn’t mean you can do it again the next.
How 1 glass of wine with dinner can cancel all your pain meds so stop asking do I want a glass thinking it’ll make me feel relaxed when it won’t.
That the pain never stops. That I want to do everything I used to do but as I age this gets worse and more debilitating. I have to consider every move i make before making it.
Just because it's not obvious doesn't mean I'm not in pain.
How it affects every aspect of your life.
It really won’t help when you tell me to straighten up.
I can't bend the same way as a normal spine does.
I’m not lazy. I’m in chronic pain.
The fact that what I can do today will cause me pain tomorrow.
I’ve had so many doctors tell my parents that scoliosis doesn’t cause pain, and so it has been an uphill battle—even to this day—to convince them that it really does hurt as bad as I say it does.
The emotional pain can be as severe as the physical.
That even after surgery (currently 10 years post op) it still affects you and not just in a lack of mobility but it still hurts it still aches and it's frustrating. Some days are better than others but sometimes the lows are really low.
I am really working with HALF A BACK here.
That I can't just stand for half an hour listening or waiting for something.
It’s not an excuse, it really does hurt to do things.
All I want to do is lay down and cry but I have 3 kids that depend on me full time.
It doesn't just go away... we may have easier days and harder days, but it's always present.
Even though I may be able to do a task one day, doesn’t mean I can do it another day.
That 14-hour work days hurt me.
Understanding the pain and that it's very hard to climb steps without getting out of breath.
Even after the operation you still hurt the same.
It drains your energy and can mask other health conditions.
Never a day or night without pain & depression.
How helpless it makes you feel.
I pay for all those projects I take on.
How much we hurt & not just our spine. Our hips, legs, feet etc. clothing doesn’t fit properly. It is a constant struggle.
A lot of us are in pain 24/7 and trying our best to catch up to healthy spine people. We are tired from the pain, and not lazy at all. And NOT all cases are the same. You might have a cousin who has scoliosis and has no pain. But don’t assume we are all the same.
How pain can come without warning and how debilitating it can be at times.
That just because I’m acting tough it doesn’t mean I’m not in so much pain. And if I don’t do something because I’m so exhausted and in horrible pain it doesn’t mean that I am lazy
The pain takes a big emotional toll and is always there, it never goes away.
Working is just grinding through despite not being able to walk without wanting to collapse from pain.
That your career choice centers around what your body can or can't do and taking into account whether you'll be fused in the future.
Everything ends up revolving around the scoliosis whether you want it to or not.
I always feel anxiety like being trapped in a building just a couple inches too short to stand up straight in.
That I don’t like the way I look and it hurts even more when someone mentions it
That a majority of us are in pain 24/7, that we're not being antisocial when we don't attend Happy hours, parties, it's just we have to save our energy for daily living. That sometimes Just getting out of bed is a Herculean task.
Feeling deformed when you look in the mirror because of your spine.
At work whenever I say that people say oh my back hurts too. Then they say just get over it. I’m like excuse me. It’s Not that easy to get over it. I say I wish I could get over it.
Wardrobe problems.
The fact that I’ll never sit perfectly in a chair due to my shoulder blade
Sometimes you have to cancel plans at the last minute because of pain
That in general it is a total body disease and not just a back condition!!!
Fatigue galore. And my legs constantly feel like they are going to give out. I feel this.
What Do Those that Suffer Want to Hear?
We don't want to hear how "it's just a test".
We don't want to hear how "don't worry, it'll get better."
We don't want to hear "you aren't trying hard enough."
We don't want to hear "trials make us better."
We don't want to hear "did you try this? Did you try that?"
We don't want to hear "are you just making it up in your head?"
We don't want to hear "God is trying to humble you."
We don't want someone to criticize our perspectives.
We don't want someone to tell us that our negativity is a problem.
We don't want someone to tell us that we are too extreme.
We don't want someone to tell us that we need to brainwash ourselves to believe that everything is just fine and peachy.
We don't want someone to tell us that we should be grateful for a universe designed in this way.
We don't want someone to tell us to pretend like all the negative things aren't real.
What I think we want is a combination of understanding, empathy, and encouragement. We want someone to understand that this situation is shitty, and that there are no excuses sufficient to justify why things are the way they are. We want people to feel this to the core the way we feel it. We want someone that can empathize with the fact that the universe tortures some people on a regular basis. We want them to feel how unfair that is the way we feel it. We want someone who can understand our anger - someone who understands that our frustrations are 100% justified.
We want someone to ideologically travel down to the hell that we are living in, renounce the existence of this hellish situation, and then from that pit within hell, look upwards with us towards all of the metaphysical stars above, and explore with us what kind of meaning, purpose, or goodness can still be found in that hopeful future, despite currently being stuck in this pit of despair.
We want someone to encourage us to believe that there is a way to transcend this hell and come out stronger.
Lessons from Jordan Peterson
During the peak of my suffering, I became fascinated with Jordan Peterson. Many of his lectures dance around the lessons mythology still has to offer us regarding suffering, meaning, purpose, and heroism. Jordan seemed to have an intimate understanding of suffering in part due to his high sensitivity to depression and anxiety throughout his life, the suffering of those around him, and the suffering of his clients in his clinical practice. He had the ability to verbally travel down to hell with his audience - articulating his potent understanding of just exactly how bad things can be. But then he does a turn and starts to explain where meaning can be found, even from these dark places.
The first important lesson I had from him was on the danger of rumination. Rumination is basically a psychological obsession with a certain idea. Jordan Peterson highlighted how it is very easy to make a convincing argument that the universe is evil, but where does that mythological story lead you if you continue to focus on it? It's a worldview born out of the deep-seated emotion of cosmic resentment. Jordon Peterson goes on to show how people like the Columbine shooters were kids who allowed their minds to ruminate on their resentments. This guided them to the dark path of wishing death on others. In fact, Jordan talks about Cain and Abel, and how the first story of mankind shows a pattern of how resentment can be transformed into violence. He talked a bit about the idea of getting revenge on God, and how in the end these people decide that taking out their anger on the innocent is the perfect way to show how frustrated they are with God or the universe.
Jordan then goes on to build a case for our purpose in life to be the reduction of suffering. Those who suffer have an existential anger towards existence is founded upon the principle that "suffering is evil". Yet, people like the Columbine shooters have an internal contradiction - they view their own suffering as evil, yet they decide to increase collective suffering rather than decrease it. If you know that suffering is evil, then you should work for the collective reduction of suffering. If your goal is to reduce suffering, then you need to clean the room of your mind so that you are not ruminating in a path that leads to more collective suffering.
In Jordan Peterson's 10th Biblical lecture, he talks about the philosophy of beauty. Beauty is such an interesting phenomenon because it is so indescribable, yet it manifests itself to our psyches so readily. We don't need to think, ponder, or analyze it - it instantly manifests itself to us. What is it communicating? A type of goodness. A type of meaning. A type of purpose. A type of wonder. Beauty is like an evolutionary signal to our minds that this is what we desire, this is what we want to support, this is what we want to propagate. It's a revelation of value, of the things worth fighting for.
Jordan talks about how powerful art is, and necessary. He discusses the meaning crisis that comes from the "death of God" as Nietzsche aptly predicted. He expounds on Nietzsche's idea of creating our own values, but expresses skepticism at the idea that it is that easy for a human to create values out of thin air. He emphasizes the need to discover our values based on our internal evolutionary wisdom. He hints that we need to find art to inspire us about our values. He conveys the need to mediate on art, develop a relationship with art, and let it lift us up and carry us through the abyss of life. He hints at the idea that if we have mentally evolved past traditional religion, then we need to invent our own rational religion, or else we might become consumed by meaninglessness in the face of suffering.
My Meditations on Art
Since I spent most of my time laying down in pain during 2019 and 2020, I had a lot of time on my hands to meditate on what metaphysical principles made me feel like life was worth living and that there was something to strive for.
No Fear
My spine had become a demon of sorts in my life. I feared its ability to control me, limit me, and torment me. I feared that if my spine had so much power over me now, perhaps in the future it would have even greater power to torture me. I figured that this spine would ultimately be the death of me - it was a ticking timebomb, planning on slowly increasing in pain over the course of my life until it finally reached the point of my inability to continue enduring. It would torture me with greater and greater intensity until suicide was the only remaining solution. How was I supposed to face this giant demon of a fate? Did I have the strength to face what it was planning on delivering to me? I realized that one of the principles that I needed to cling to was the courage to have "no fear". I found two pieces of art that archetypally represented how I felt about the principle "no fear". I labeled my principle in Chinese and placed the label next to my art in my bedroom. I also found a quote from the bible that helped convey the principle in words. Psalm 23:4 - "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil."
Endure
The next principle I summoned from my unconscious mind was the principle of endurance. I figured if I was going to fight this demon of a disease, I would need to develop the strength to endure. I developed my own quote to express how I felt about the idea of enduring - "I'm not afraid of this pain. I accept this pain. I will rule over this pain." I purchased some petrified wood to act as the symbolic art around the principle of endurance. Petrified wood starts out as the most innocent and vulnerable type of lifeform - a tree. Then through the chaos of malevolent entropy, the wood is tortured by the immeasurable heat of volcanic lava - literally the stuff that inspires the Biblical hellscape described in the Book of Revelations as "a lake of fire and brimstone." Only through enduring this hellish process is the wood refined into something as beautiful as petrified wood.
Determination
In order to endure, I would need to be able to summon the motivation to keep going. That's how I felt about determination - it was the stubborn insistence that the right thing to do is to keep going and not give up. Perhaps even the stubborn insistence that it was worth it, even though it might not be obvious in the process. I developed another quote to express how I felt about determination - "Press on in determination, for every moment of suffering you endure, your enemies will also endure at the day of justice and your reward will be 100 fold." This was when I started to flirt with metaphysical rewards. In order for endurance to be worth it, I realized there needed to be some type of cosmic justice to balance the scales. So that if, perchance, there was a demonic entity responsible for cursing me with scoliosis, perhaps these enemies would get their just desserts. Did I have any evidence that I would receive a reward in the end? Absolutely not. But in order to have the strength to endure, I realized that I needed to have faith in a reward despite that belief not being justified. It was kind of a pragmatic approach - believing in something merely for its practical utility, not its truth value.
Acceptance
The next principle I summoned into my metaphysical scabbard was acceptance. In order to be able to emotionally tolerate the destruction of my hopes, goals, dreams, capabilities, options, and lifestyle, I would need to radically master the ability to accept my lot in life. Ruminating about how it isn't fair that I can't travel anymore wasn't going to help. I needed to accept the idea that I am now mostly disabled and get over it. I summoned the art of Edgar Allan Poe in his poem, "The Raven". My last and final girlfriend was a Taiwanese girl who didn't have an English name. I gave her the name "Raven." It apparently our relationship wasn't meant to be for multiple reasons. And then as my backpain was getting more severe, I no longer felt confident in living alone in a foreign country without the support of family nearby. We had to break up and I returned to America to work in a place that would be better for my spine. The main message of the poem is that things will eventually have an end and we need to accept that, as conveyed in the quote "Quoth the Raven 'Nevermore.'" I needed to accept that I would be too disabled to date, marry, and raise a family, and I needed to accept the idea that romance was a 'nevermore.' Finally, I added a quote form Martin Luther King Jr. about acceptance - "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."
True Love
I realized that something about true love was especially beautiful to me. I didn't really understand how it might be related to my suffering, but something deep within my unconscious soul was screaming out to me that this was an important principle. I had been developing a deeper intimacy with the idea of true love over the years. I told my ex-girlfriend that in my opinion, true love is being willing to die for someone. She got really awkward over this discussion and it was obvious that she wasn't at a state of emotional depth where she would be willing to die for me. As I continued to ponder this idea, it made sense to me that true love could be applied more broadly than merely romantic relationships. Having true love for a principle means being willing to suffer or die for a principle. I realized that there might be some abstract ideas that I can build a relationship with and would instill within me the powerful meaning and purpose that love provides. In looking for art to express the idea of true love, I found a piece from the Japanese anime "Naruto". Hinata starts out as the most shy, anxious, and timid character in the show, full of self-doubt. She learns to look up to the bravery and confidence of Naruto. Eventually, when Naruto's life is in danger, she is the only one brave enough to step up to the strongest villain they could comprehend and die to protect him. True love was what motivated her to overcome all of her weaknesses to save what was precious to her. The second image is of Hinata in a state of natural power and fury - almost symbolic of the wrath of love. It is paired with a Hawaiian quote that has been found to be very helpful in meditative practices. The Hawaian Ho'oponopono goes, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you." This phrase can be directed to loved ones, God, or just the universe and provide soul-healing effects.
Faith/Hope
Despite me symbolically having a dead body and a dead soul, I knew that either in life, in death, or in a resurrection, I would eventually be liberated (healed) from my suffering. The text above this piece of art reads, "I WILL BE HEALED."
Transcendence
For a long time, the word transcendence had been bubbling up from my subconscious into my consciousness. In my theist years, I had a well-developed ability to produce religious fantasies for myself. Often my anxieties around my spine would manifest in my dreams in the form of a demonic tiger that wanted to torment me. I had slowly been learning the need for transcendence at every level of my life - transcending religious biases and fantasies, transcending political biases, transcending career paths, transcending obstacles, transcending frustrations, transcending pain, transcending demons, and perhaps transcending God himself. For me, transcendence was all about self-transformation in a way that went beyond the limits that constrained me in the past. I realized that transcendence was going to be one of the essential principles for me to master if I wanted to overcome scoliosis. I found an interesting piece of art called "The Passing" by Shawn Rey Harris. It basically shows an apocalyptic end of the world where global warming floods the planet. Yet life goes on. Sentience transcends world-ending fates. The whales majestically carry the torch of consciousness into the future. The whale carries itself with dignity and honor, at peace because he is able to ride the waves rather than become consumed by them. This whale connected with my soul as I pondered the idea of transcendence. This is what it is - to triumphantly rise above the things that we think are fatally disastrous. I then had to place an image of the insidious tiger than haunts my dreams below this whale - a constant reminder that I must overcome the tiger of scoliosis via transcendence. I didn't fully know what I meant by this at the time, but Jordan Peterson helped explain how I felt in the video shown below.
Justice
The last and most important principle that needed to be addressed was justice. The unfairness of my scoliosis manifested itself to me in the almost palpable need for justice, which reverberated throughout my soul every night as I lay in pain and misery after a day of exhaustingly painful work. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, and sharp spinal pain shot volts of electricity through my nervous system causing me to be unable to relax, my anger towards this natural injustice grew as I fumed in torturous insomnia. Was my torture caused by nature, God, or a demon? Who could I take my case to? And of whom could I require justice? My entire being was possessed by the evolutionary need for tit for tat justice, yet it was nowhere to be found. None of the potential sources of my pain could be summoned to a court hearing. There was no higher power that could be propitiated for justice. All I could do was look for a piece of art to represent God and take my complaints to it. Every day as I lay writhing in pain, I would ask the image of God, "Is this good? Is this just? Is this design moral? Is this reality conscionable?" My picture of God was an image of Zeus up in the clouds carrying a look of ambiguous pensive judgement on his face. It was as if God was in heaven, looking down on his creation and coldly pondering if it was worthy of help or not. Every day that God ignored my cries was another day of evidence that he either doesn't exist, doesn't care, or doesn't have enough power to change things. None of these traits signified a god who was worthy of my worship. I felt the evolutionary need to enact my own justice, but even that was unattainable. If it was nature, there was nothing I could do. If it was God, he would be too powerful for me to take justice on. If it was demons, then perhaps I would need to become an angel of justice to ensure that my soul could finally be at ease. I gathered a quote from Isaiah about just desserts and a piece of art that represented the angel of justice I would need to become if there was no God on my side. The quote from Isaiah 59:17 goes, "For he put on righteousness as a breastplate, and an helmet of salvation upon his head; and he put on the garments of vengeance for clothing, and was clad with zeal as a cloke... According to their deeds, he will repay."
Finally, at the end of this project I was inspired to inject my life story into a Naruto episode for symbolic dramatic representation (Never Give Up Naruto Comic Autobiography Symbolism Of Being The Hero Even When God Makes Life Hard (wixsite.com)).
My Rage
Every time I would embark on an exhausting expedition to the local supermarket, I would see the products on the shelves through the lens of my ideology. They did not appear to me as innocent objects. They appeared to me as symbols of the flaws in the design of the universe. They were symbols of patterns of systemic suffering, all due to the entropic design of the universe. As a software engineer, it was so easy to imagine all the different ways the universe could be designed, WITHOUT the fundamental principle of entropy. In video games, hunger, thirst, discomfort, friction, aging, sickness, exhaustion, disability, pain, and death are NEVER the default design within the video game universe, but must be purposefully added to the programming. It is very easy to create a video game where the characters never suffer from scoliosis, hunger, or thirst, for example. Why would God create a universe with an infinite variety of horrible features? In fact, we don't even know how to program pain into a video game, but for some reason God thought that that one needed to be added?
As I walked through the supermarket, each product was a reminder of another type of unnecessary suffering that only existed because the supposed designer of this universe was malicious. Drinks were a reminder that we suffer and die of thirst. Food was a reminder that we suffer and die of hunger. Clothing was a reminder that we suffer and die from cold temperatures. Fans were a reminder that we suffer and die from hot temperatures. Pillows were a reminder that the laws of gravity hurt our necks if we don't invent something for them at night. Baby cribs and cages are a reminder that this world will hurt, maim, permanently damage, or kill babies merely because they are too ignorant of the dangers nature has in store for them. A quick glance of the variety of products would instantly fill me with rage at the structure of the universe, yet I could only return home with the vivid knowledge of my own impotence in the face of these problems.
God Saw That It was Good
In Jordan Peterson's Biblical lectures, he mentions how when God created the world in six days, he proclaimed that "it was good." Jordan latched onto that idea for its pragmatic purposes. We can vilify the universe all we want, but where does that lead? Perhaps there is valuable perennial wisdom in the ancient assumption that creation is good. Perhaps the societies that are optimistic about creation survive and thrive, while the societies that are pessimistic about creation self-annihilate. Again, a pragmatic idea - to believe that the universe is good for its practical benefits, even though there is no justification for that idea.
Epistemic Humility
In my study of philosophy, epistemic humility has shown itself to be such an important principle. When people have a greater confidence in their knowledge than is warranted, they fall victim to self-deception. Their Dunning-Kruger confidence blinds them to what they still need to learn. This pridefulness stubbornly locks them into an incorrect conclusion that ends up becoming a ticking time-bomb in their life - to reappear when their incorrect conclusion finally manifests in a disastrous result in their life. Perhaps only after meeting a great disaster will people start to become epistemically humble and question their beliefs. But if one can be wise enough to question their beliefs before they blow up, transcendence can be achieved with less of a cost. One day as I lay on my couch writhing in pain, staring up at my picture of Zeus, I finally said to God, "If I'm wrong about my analysis of the universe, I want to know. I have no desire to be stubbornly locked into an incorrect perspective that is as frustrating as this one. If I am missing something, I hope I can be inspired to figure out what it is that I'm missing so I don't have to carry incorrect ideas around anymore."
Revelation
The next day after having this humble conversation with Zeus/God, I had an overwhelmingly spiritual experience when visiting the supermarket. I burst into tears immediately upon encounter with the array of products on the aisle. For the first time, I saw all of the products as symbols of love, not as symbols of the existence of evil. Or, just as before the products represented systems of suffering, they now represented systems of love. In an instant I felt like I could almost fully comprehend the relationship between love and suffering. I realized that love can be expressed by being willing to suffer on another's behalf. And the upper-limits of love can be tested by the upper-limits of suffering. Without suffering, love might not be able to fully exist, or the ability to express love would be limited.
For example, because humans suffer thirst, by working to make money to provide a drink for someone, we show our love by taking on a little suffering to reduce their suffering. Or, in the case of hunger, if you are manufacturing drinks so you can feed your family, you are sacrificing your time and freedom to perform this labor because you want to reduce the suffering of your family members. Because the manufacturer has love for his family, that love becomes converted into drinks that arrive in the supermarket for us to purchase. Only because of entropy can we suffer to make the world better for our loved ones.
Just as working can be an expression of love, the greater the sacrifice the greater the expression of love. When someone is suffering from back pain, but they are still willing to do your dishes for you, and clean your messes, you know that they are willing to suffer in order to express their love for you. When your loved one is cold in the night, we can impart our coat to them, voluntarily taking on suffering in order to reduce their suffering. Each of these types of expressions is a type of beauty that would not exist without entropy and suffering.
If someone with great suffering wanted to be selfish, they could commit suicide and end the pain. But if they have love for something in the world, perhaps enduring their suffering can be worth it. But, perhaps the greater our suffering, the greater the intensity of love we need to offset it. As Jordan Peterson implies, we need to have enough meaning in life to offset our suffering. So, if romantic love can offset some suffering, and familial love can offset greater suffering, perhaps love for the entire world is the greatest amount of meaning that can sustain the greatest amount of suffering.
We can say, despite all of this pain/frustration/sacrifice, I am willing to push forward and make the world better regardless. Even if I prefer suicide to reduce the pain, if my existence in the world can reduce the suffering for others, perhaps I am willing to continue to suffer to prove my love. Interestingly enough, that is exactly the message being portrayed by Christ's sacrifice for the world. Jordan Peterson suggests that the central message of Christianity is that the way to conquer your suffering is to accept it voluntarily and then continue to do the right thing.
So now when I see the complex array of products, I see unique expressions of love that counteract suffering. Perhaps each type of suffering is a type of test - on how we react with love or hate. The existence of suffering gives us a chance to show love in the face of that suffering. If there was no suffering, we would never get a chance to show meaningful love. In fact, the most meaningful of all loves is the willingness to suffer on another's behalf. Perhaps, despite your suffering, if you can find ways to produce love out of it, it will become sacred to you and will be worth it in the spiritual long run.
Perhaps God is willing to create evil and pay the debt for the suffering he created because he knows that the only way to create love is to give people a chance to choose to suffer on the behalf of others. When people prove their deep love in this way it justifies the existence of evil by producing a good (love) that is greater in goodness than the evil is in badness. It is self-evident that we value the love produced more than the suffering incurred because we choose to suffer voluntarily! When we choose to suffer for our loved ones, we are communicating that within our own value system! We are evidencing that we view our love as of more worth than the cost of the suffering, proven by our willingness to suffer! We prove that avoiding such suffering is not the highest priority, but rather caring for others transcends this priority and gives us the meaning to drive us forward through this painful world.
When assessing the value of the universe under this framework, one would want to assess the pros and cons, or costs and benefits of the universe to see if it is net-positive and therefore justified in its existence. If all you can see is suffering, then the universe doesn't seem like a very good place. But if you can see all the love produced thereby, perhaps its existence is justified - even evidenced by our own willingness to accept it. Perhaps our willingness to stick around is evidence that the beauty able to be found in the world is worth the cost to produce it. Perhaps by creating a universe with an infinite number of ways to suffer, it simultaneously produces an infinite number of ways to produce love. Perhaps the way to maximize the net benefit is to create a universe like ours with entropy.
Transcend from the Ashes
As Jordan Peterson says, if we voluntarily accept our suffering, we transcend it in that moment of acceptance. This revelation that love justifies suffering gave me the ability to accept my suffering. This transcendence cured me of my hatred and resentment for the universe. Every time I suffer I try to remind myself that if my continued efforts in this world have the ability to reduce collective suffering and make the world a better place, then perhaps my endurance is worth it. I have even developed a meditation ritual where I do loving-kindness meditation to remember how much I love humanity and hope for a bright future for us. Then I meditate on my goals, purpose, meaning, and vision for the future. This has imbibed me with large bursts of motivation that have sustained me.
In pondering the concept of transcendence, I was drawn to the connection between the Hegelian dialectic and the yin-yang. Often when two opposites are battling, it seems like a zero-sum game and only one can be the winner. But the dialectical synthesis reminds us that the path to transcendence is for both sides to join each other in unity. For the longest time, entropic suffering was the dark demonic dragon side of the yin-yang that I needed to destroy. But then I realized that I needed to let my old self die and be reborn with this new awakening. As the phoenix crashes and burns into a pile of ashes before it is reborn, so was I reborn by this revelation. But hopefully, now I am equipped with a synthesis of the powers of the dragon and the powers of the phoenix.
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